“I know you are sorry . . . now apologize.” The first time that a friend said this to me, it really tickled my funny bone and instantly put us both at ease. I have used this line also just to be funny if the offense was mild. For example, I am sorry I stepped on your foot, or I am sorry I ate your last piece of cake. You have to be careful using humor, because not everyone gets it. (Even now, someone who is reading this is saying to themselves, I don’t get it.)
Apologies are important, but they seem to be rare thing these days. Celebrities, politicians and other public figures have learned that the public apology is essential to rebuilding their image. Of course, it only comes after they’ve been caught in the act and the public has demanded it. The most recent example that comes to mind is Tiger Woods, following his messy marital scandal. His apology was crucial to reconciling with the public, if not his wife. He will be forgiven (especially if he continues to perform well in golf). However, people will never forget.
Psalm 103:12
As far as the east is from the west,
So far has He removed our transgressions from us.
People may forgive you, but they will never forget what happened. Unfortunately, we can’t forget, unless we develop amnesia or dementia. Our brains are wired with memory that record every experience we have. I think it’s probably a good thing we remember – not to hold a transgression against someone forever, but to learn from it and use wisdom. For example, if a person lies to me and apologizes, then I must forgive them. But I am not going to forget it. I am going to proceed carefully with that person and consider their truthfulness before acting on anything that person has told me. If they lie to me again, then I know that I cannot trust their word. I can forgive them, but I’ve learned that I cannot trust them, and that’s a good thing to know. That’s just using wisdom.
Fortunately for us, God can forgive and forget in a way that man cannot. Many people quote Psalm 103:12 when they talk about God’s mercy and forgiveness. However, the verses just before that also reveal God’s perfect mercy. “He will not always accuse, nor will he harbor his anger forever; he does not treat us as our sins deserve or repay us according to our iniquities. For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his love for those who fear him . . . .” When we repent (or apologize), God forgives us of our sin. It is now covered by the blood of Jesus and He can no longer see it. It’s as though it never existed. Micah 7:19 says: He will again have compassion on us, And will subdue our iniquities. You will cast all our sins Into the depths of the sea.
I am grateful that God is so merciful and that if I confess my sins, He is faithful and just to forgive me my sins and to cleanse me from all unrighteousness (1 John 1:9). Forgiving comes easy for God because He loves us so much. He is our heavenly Father and we are His children. I know that when my child tells me that she is sorry and I see her tear-filled eyes, I cannot refuse her. I forgive her and I take her in my arms and tell her that I love her. That is how I imagine it is with God. We are the children that He loves and He is moved by our sincere repentance. He forgives us and takes us into His arms and reminds us of His love.
Matthew 6:14-15
For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.
It can be hard to say that you are sorry. Some people have an equally hard time forgiving. They hold onto their forgiveness like it some kind of prize. They may feel that the person doesn’t deserve forgiveness, whether they have apologized or not. Withholding forgiveness doesn’t hurt the person who wronged you. It might hurt their feelings, but if they have repented and apologized, God has already forgiven them. If you withhold your forgiveness, it will only hurt you, because God will not be able to forgive you of your sins if you have unforgiveness in your heart.
Some may find these verses from Matthew to be contradictory to 1 John 1:9. God says He will forgive us our sins if we confess them, but there is an exception? If I don’t forgive others then I can’t be forgiven? This is not contradictory. What God is telling us is that to be unforgiving is a sin. Jesus gives us the parable of the unforgiving servant in Matthew 18 to illustrate this principle. A servant owed the king a large sum of money and couldn’t repay, so the king ordered that the man and his family be sold into slavery to repay the debt. The servant begs the king to give him more time to repay the debt. The king, moved by the man’s plea, forgives the debt completely and sends the man home. The forgiven servant then goes out and finds a friend that owes him a small sum of money. He demands that his friend repay him immediately. The friend begs for more time to repay the loan, but the servant refuses and has him thrown in prison until the debt is paid. Word of this incident gets back to the king, who is furious with the servant. Verses 32-35: Then his master, after he had called him, said to him, ‘You wicked servant! I forgave you all that debt because you begged me. Should you not also have had compassion on your fellow servant, just as I had pity on you?’ And his master was angry, and delivered him to the torturers until he should pay all that was due to him. “So My heavenly Father also will do to you if each of you, from his heart, does not forgive his brother his trespasses.”
Ephesians 4:31-32
Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.
Elton John had a song out years ago that said, “Sorry seems to be the hardest word.” Sometimes it is hard for us to apologize. Our pride and our ego get in our way. But to say “I am sorry” (or I repent) is the only way to reconcile ourselves with someone we have wronged, whether it be a person or God. And if we do truly repent, then we must be forgiven. We know that God will forgive us, because His word tells us that He will, and God doesn’t lie. If we sin against another person and we truly repent, that person must also forgive us. Luke 17:3-4 says, “If your brother or sister sins against you, rebuke them; and if they repent, forgive them. Even if they sin against you seven times in a day and seven times come back to you saying ‘I repent,’ you must forgive them.”
We know that this is easier said than done. If someone keeps doing the same thing over and over again and keeps apologizing for it, it wears a little thin with us. We may doubt their sincerity. However, Jesus said that if they say they repent, then we must forgive them. We may need God’s help to do it, because it is not our nature but His that we have to take on. So what about the people who sin against us and don’t repent? What do we do about them?
I believe that we still must forgive them. Some people will never apologize for the things that they have done, and they will have to stand in judgment for that one day. If someone hurts you and you know that you are never going to get an apology for it, you have two choices. You can hang onto that hurt and let it become a bitter, angry root in your heart. Or, you can accept the facts and forgive the person, letting go of the pain and heartache and turning it all over to God. That doesn’t mean you have to allow that person to be in you life or that you have to be buddies with them if they are in your life, but it means that you have to let go and let God deal with them.
“I am sorry” and “I forgive you” can be hard to say when we let our pride get in the way. As long as we are human, we are going to step on each other’s toes and offend each other in big and little ways. We have to have a repentant heart, and we have to have a forgiving heart. We have to accept that we are not perfect. We all make mistakes, and hopefully we learn from them. Certainly we have to take responsibility for them, and that means apologizing when we are wrong. It also means that since you recognize your own imperfections, you should be willing to accept them in others and forgive them as you wish to be forgiven. We do need to be kind and compassionate with one another, forgiving each other the way God through Christ has forgiven us.